humor

I don’t do Spiders, especially when they need a shave. Mishaps, and pending calamity.

~ Ron Walker ~ 23 Comments

Mishap
Here we are at the end of another weekend. I seem to have survived pretty well. Other than falling down the back steps.

I had shampooed the carpets a few days ago. We have a pecan tree next to the deck out back. There is a treacherous oily sap that it secrets, which lands on the wooden decking, making it hazardous if wet.  It just so happens we had an all night drizzle of rain. I needed to go out in this light drizzle Saturday morning, and put up some yard tools I had noticed laying out in the rain.

Now, back to where I had shampooed the carpets. The cleaner used leaves a very slippery coating on the rubber soles, it dries, but is reactivated if moisture contacts it. If you step from carpet to vinyl in a hurry while doing the carpets, you’d best be holding onto something stationary. I go out carefully into the drizzle.

It has not been raining hard enough to wash away the pecan oil that has fallen. Making a mental note of that I start for the stairs. I gingerly placed my foot on the top stair and started with the other foot. The first step may as well have been a frozen pond. As soon as I put my weight on that foot, and lifted the other foot, it was over.

There are four steps, I managed to hit 3 of the 4. My left buttock bounced/impacted with each one, as if I were re-enacting a three stooges scene. I have been so sore, that I wanted to cry. Amazingly though, most of the stiffness and pain is gone. Must be my alien DNA, that helped repair my 65 year old bod so fast. No broken hip.

Pending Calamity
While sitting here at my desk, I noticed a movement just beyond the monitor in front of me. Sitting right on the far edge of the desk, was a black Jumping Spider. I don’t do big spiders, especially if I can’t have the advantage.

This one was not fully grown, and will not reach that stage if I see it again first. It was about 1/2 inch long and 1/8 to 1/4 inch wide. He was however, sitting there doing his Spider hump. Moving up and down on his legs. He was probably trying to calculate his jump towards me, but knew he would not clear the bottom of the monitor and be successful. I moved, and he moved over the edge of the desk, out of sight, great…

I grabbed some bug spray for ants and used half a can on the back of the desk between the wall and desk, along the desk, and under the desk. If he’s still here, he’s not happy. Neither will I be, if I look down, and he is on my leg, or in my pants.

No doubt the encounter will require medical attention, after I attempt to exit the office chair backwards screaming. Many of you probably recall my manly encounter with the Cicada earlier this year.

I hope your weekend finishes on a positive note. I’m going to the store for some Spider spray, and bubble wrap for my butt on my next trip outside.

Comments always welcome,

Plenty of news from the Trailer Park Kingdom.

~ Ron Walker ~ 20 Comments

This is Thursday, I am behind on Trailer Park News, but it had been a pretty calm month for September.

This past Friday, someone had apparently celebrated too much, and in an unskilled maneuver, managed to drive through the ditch in front of our yard. They were attempting to go out of the park onto the highway, but turned way too early. I have no idea how they managed to drive through a cement ditch and not be a total wreck. They were able to continue on going though. I caught a glimpse of a pickup truck speeding away. The vehicle was heading away from the camera in this photo.  No sign of brakes applied before hitting the ditch. The two grooves seen closest to the camera, are from the under-frame. 

Saturday, Johnny Reb was obviously upset over management planning to move his “South shall rise again” abode, to the back of the park. The sheriff was called out to check on him, he was reported to be mentally unstable by his mother who had tried to talk to him on the phone. He has recently had a leg removed, and gets around now in a motorized wheel-chair. He showed some skill early Saturday as he motored around his lot in the wheel-chair, guiding his self-propelled lawn mower ahead of him. Impressive.

Speaking of mowing the grass, a young lady on the back row that works all the time, threatened bodily harm to the park maintenance man (David) who was riding his mower that is minus a muffler, and cutting her yard at 5:30am. He’s a nice guy all in all, but sometimes, I think he is a couple of fries short of a full happy meal.

 

Saturday evening and Sunday provided entertainment on the main highway in the form of high speed chases (three) that I would hear heading this way. I would go outside, or watch out the window as they sped by. I’m thinking of putting some lawn chairs, and a couple of pink flamingos out in the yard and sell tickets to the action.

Sunday early, we had screaming and shouting out front, between a guy and his girl. There are times, that I am glad my hearing has decreased some.

It gets quiet around here for a while, and then all sorts of things start hopping, or course it was nearly a full moon this past weekend.

They went up $25 more on the lot rent here, so I guess it is to pay for the quality entertainment. None of it bothers me now. I’m medicated. Now, if I can just get a network interested in another reality show, I could probably get out of this asylum.

Comments always welcome,

I swear! The bug was 1 foot tall and had to weigh 10 pounds. I think.

~ Ron Walker ~ 36 Comments

What a great day yesterday was, then evening came and it was time for some rest. At 11 PM, I shut down the office, turn off the TV, and stand there speaking to Michelle in the kitchen. She is about to go out the back door, located off the kitchen, to the small shop to get a box. The shop is located outside on the deck. I decide to do the loving thing and walk with her.

We find a suitable box for what she needs, and start back into the door to the kitchen. That is when the craziness started.

I’m standing in the doorway, Michelle is still on the deck about to come in. She stops and asks “What is that.” She is pointing to a LARGE bug laying on the deck, about 1 foot from the doorway. Being the all American Macho Male, I tell her it is just a Cicada, don’t disturb it, they are loud. Then for whatever insane  reason, a thought comes to me, that I should flick it out into the yard with my shoe.

These things won’t hurt you really, they make you think they can by screaming and beating those large strong wings against you, while trying to grab you with the very efficient grappling hook legs.

“Flick!”. The bug screams as only a Cicada can, flies between and around Michelle’s legs, who is now screaming and flailing madly with her cardboard box. It then jets past me straight into the house, landing on the floor of the washroom just inside the door.

This is what they sound like, for those that have never had the pleasure.
https://youtu.be/xsxKTv24ME4

Michelle is hyperventilating, but still holding the door open and screaming at me to get it out. One more flick with the trusty running shoe towards the door. The stupid bug screams, flies into Michelle, then back into the house to land in the light fixture. I get the broom and try to get him to exit the upside down dish type of fixture cover. No Dice.

So, it’s down to removing the fixture to get him, and throw him out. I’m loosening the nut on the fixture when it decides it might be a good time to exit. It makes one really fast loop around the tiny washroom, smacks me square in the forehead, and disappears. I run to the office, grab my flashlight, and return shining the light around the baseboards, between the washer/dryer, around the freezer… I can’t find it.

Michelle points at me, jumps back and screams. I look down where she is pointing.

There sits the beast on my t-shirt glaring up at me. It has been attached with those super strong legs, the whole time I ran to the office and back. Naturally, I start trying to knock it off the t-shirt where he is attached about sternum level. The bug is screaming, Michelle is screaming, I’m screaming. I’m bouncing off the cabinets, appliances, Michelle, and the wall in that small 6X5 foot space. It looked like a re-enactment of the Matrix roof scene, where he dodges the bullets.

Michelle described it this way.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PiKV8WpVSK4

Why should a bug freak out a 200lb 5’10” man? Because as a teen I have a permanent memory of one flying up the pants leg of the jeans I had on. There is nothing I have ever experienced since, worse than the terror of that thing buzzing and screaming around in my pants. I was wearing baggy jogging shorts last night. It would not not have been a pretty picture.

Anyhow, I dislodged the monster, it disappeared again. I flooded that area with Raid Flying Insect Spray till the room was a fog. Hopefully that got him, if not? I need to keep my phone handy to video it, if it makes an appearance and runs into grandma in the kitchen. It would go viral I’m sure.

Here are some facts for those that are not familiar with Cicadas. Apparently there are some people that like those things.

I really hope he has fallen behind the washer never to be seen again. I do not want to be watching one of the shows about haunted houses, and that thing lands in my lap.

Comments always welcome,

Smart Phone screen-protectors. Who protects us from them!

~ Ron Walker ~ 15 Comments

Why something so small and apparently simple for many, is so difficult for me. I have stared down barrels of guns, talked to the sharp end of a knife, wielded by some crazy. I handled it. There is one thing that seems to be my nemesis, and causes me to break out in a cold sweat.

“Honey, will you install the screen protector on my new phone?” I get sick to the stomach, my whole body starts to vibrate. I have never, ever, had any luck with a screen protector installation. I take that back, once I managed to get one on a 10.1 inch tablet with just one tiny speck of dust in a corner. 4-5 inch screen? I’m a klutz.

If there is one tiny mote, particle smaller than dust floating around, it will find that damn sticky side of the protector. Then it glares at me every time I see the device. I have tried  dry application types (peel and stick). I have tried wet applications, you know, the ones you spray your fingers with the solution in the tiny bottle,  that always runs out on your second attempt to apply the screen?

The environment needs to be dust free, or as close as possible. I have found myself doing the bathroom shower drill. That is where you turn on the warm/hot water for a while till it gets steamy. Then turn off the water, then wait 5 mins, for the steam to cling to any dust and take it to the floor. So you stand there, trying to not sweat to death, and feel like your in a sauna. Yep, there it is.  A speck of dust, apparently impervious to moisture. I swear, sometimes I think I can hear them coming under the door.

It’s been a long day, I have the screen protector shakes so I’m calling it a night.

Comments always welcome,