I was going through my computer today since it was raining outside and nothing could be done out there. I found this file that brought back a few laughs and some good memories so I thought I would share it today.

This was written as a humorous short story back in the early 90’s when I worked at a local Police Department. This is only one chapter out of the 9 chapters of the story. In it I referred to the city I worked at as “Maybury” just like the old show from the 60’s with Andy Griffith. The book was laughably titled “Maybury is alive and well.” The things described in it were real just names changed where needed to not identify persons. I hope you get a chuckle out of it.

J.R. and S.P.O.T.

This is the most amusing part of working in Maybury for the Police Department. Now, I may be wrong, and some citizens would applaud the ideas that I am presenting here. But according to my beliefs, and those of many officers that I overheard commenting on J.R. and SPOT, they were the silliest things that ever were contrived to be implemented in the 1990’s.

Perhaps in the 1950’s and 60’s these were noble or novel ideas and were somewhat accepted. But today in the advanced world in which we live, they stick out like a silly sore thumb, and are an insult to professional officers that risk their lives day to day.

However, I must admit they were a source of a good laugh at times, and reminded the line officers that we are separate from the administration who apparently live in an ivory tower, and believe that these things still work.

As you read these little stories, keep in mind that we were not under staffed, or “shorthanded”. There were plenty of us to go around, sometimes more than enough… these little “gimmicks” were done for Public Relations stunts. They were supposed to improve our interaction with the citizens.

J.R.

Now J.R. was a real treat to behold. I don’t know what “J.R.” stood for, never really bothered to ask. I know that she was a female mannequin.

She was a half size mannequin, from the waist up. She was complete with a Police uniform shirt, hat, and wig of auburn hair. She always had a problem with her hair and hat, probably because most of us officers were not that good at fixing a woman’s hair when it was mussed up. Mostly that it would slide down over her eyes and the public thought she was asleep on duty. By on duty I meant that literally.

J.R. would be taken out, placed in the driver’s seat of a vehicle, and parked in a shopping center parking lot or a residential street to run radar. She was a source of amusement for the teenagers, and wonderment of adults who always asked who’s idea was it to put a stupid dummy, in an unguarded police car.

In the shopping centers she was supposed to deter shoplifters during the Christmas and Holiday Seasons. The officers as always, kept our remarks to ourselves, but in our humble opinion, if a potential shoplifter couldn’t tell even from a distance that she was a dummy, then he or she needed to be caught and jailed for stupidity. Those types were not a threat anyway, because someone that stupid was an easy target for store security.

Professional thieves should be able to notice during casing a shopping center, that poor old J.R. had not scratched her nose, moved, or blinked in 4-8 hours. This also should tell them that there were not enough police to go around and the place is wide open. Which was untrue, but tended to “entice” the potential shoplifters from other areas to hit the stores rather than “deter” them.

Naturally J.R. ignored the woman

J.R. was a source of frustration for some of the elderly at times, and side splitting laughter at shift change for the officers. Once she was deployed, complete with radar setup, on a major thoroughfare where she was supposed to intimidate motorists into slowing down. On this day however there was a wreck a short distance from her. An elderly woman drove to where she was, and knocked on the window to tell the officer that there was a wreck down the street. Naturally J.R. ignored the woman, which resulted in a complaint to the Desk Sergeant that the officer was asleep. So much for Public Relations.

On another occasion, an elderly citizen called from a house near JR’s location. She had gone over to speak with JR, and as she approached the car, JR fell over in the seat. The fire department was dispatched based on the excited call of the citizen, who thought that JR had fallen over Ill.

At other times J.R.’s vehicle was the site for notes from the teenagers asking for dates, and a place to leave empty beer cans. Fortunately she was securely locked inside, or there might have been molestation charges I’m sure.

One day I was instructed to deploy J.R.. I had to place her in my patrol vehicle and drive her to a residential street. On the way there I placed her on the seat beside me, so that it would look as though I had an amorous female partner. Being so upset at having to participate in such a farce, I lost my presence of mind, and decided to do something exciting to make another legend for J.R. Upon reaching my destination on a residential street, I exited the vehicle and slid J.R. over into the driver’s seat. I made sure that her hair was in place, and her hat on her head. I turned on the radar unit for her, since she said her arms had no feeling in them.

I never heard anything

Once in place I noticed two vehicles coming down the street towards my location. I bent over into the vehicle as they passed and planted a big kiss on J.R. The vehicles passed, and I laughed silently to myself. I must have been slightly burned out that night from working, because I can’t imagine looking back on it, standing in the Chief’s office, explaining what I was doing kissing J.R. just to get a laugh. I never heard anything about it, so I don’t know if anyone called in a complaint of officers being romantic on duty or not.

I hope you enjoyed this.

Comments always welcome,